Burlington, Vermont

Picture courtesy of Enoch Petersen

I spent the week before I moved to Portland in Vermont, visiting my sister who just had her second baby. My mom orchestrated the whole thing and stayed that week with Missy also. My mom is so gracious, and knew I would need some time to decompress after leaving Carl, and even paid for my plane ticket to Vermont! So, it was my mom, Missy, Chase, Enoch, new little Tessa, Jude, and me, for a week, just hanging out and playing a lot. Here are some pics. . .

Here we are enjoying some story time.

We went grocery shopping. (Enoch and Jude had a hard time coordinating their steering wheel movements and very little was accomplished)

Jude found the shoes of his dreams

We went to Shelburne Farms

And just played around

Jude finally learned how to drive a tractor, so now I can put him to work!

He was reeeeeaaalllly excited about the tractors

I know this is blurry, but Jude always had a fun time sitting back there with Enoch. I quickly learned that anything involving spit is funny to young children.

We visited the Cider Mill and got to drink fresh-pressed apple cider

And we saw this awesome rainbow. It was a double rainbow (don't know if that really shows up here)

Here is a sneak preview of our life in Portland, Oregon. We had a big family dinner the Sunday after me and Jude arrived. All the cousins were having races in the backyard, and when they came in, they told Briton they needed a car wash. So Briton graciously washed all their "tires" off. From farthest to nearest. . . Talmage, Joseph, Sydney, Isaac, Jude.

It has been really fun living with Robin and Briton (my cousin and her husband). There is always something to do and ideas to discuss and plans to make. Mostly, I am trying to be patient while waiting for my Oregon nursing license to go through. I can't apply for jobs until that happens, and it's a little frustrating. Also, though, it's a nice excuse to just sit around and eat bon-bons all day with Robin. Ha! Portland is the perfect city for running. It is SO EASY to stick Jude in the stroller and go for a nice long run. By long I mean 3 miles. I'm still "acclimatizing", right? Right?? Robin and Briton are running the St. George Marathon this weekend. That's all I have to say about that.

Jude seems to be adjusting well. He is always having fun, but he can feel that we're in limbo, I think. He's not sleeping as well as he usually does. He has Skyped with Carl a couple times, and that seems to put him in a really happy mood. I think Carl and Jude need each other. Maybe I just needed to get out of the equation. Anyway, things here are good. I have already been to a session at the Portland temple and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of love, and that Heavenly Father is intimately aware of me and Jude, and He loves us and is watching out for us. It was the most powerful temple experience of my life. I can never deny the love I felt there. I am grateful to be near a temple again.

The Last of Chattanooga

I wanted to post some pictures from our family reunion in Utah and also some from the last few days Jude and I lived in Chattanooga, Tennessee. So, here you go!

This was taken at my Grandma Kartchner's cabin (where we had the family reunion). It is mostly a picture of that bare-bones "shopping cart" that was the cause of much contention among children ages 18 months to 2.5 years old. I can't tell you how many times we removed that object and hid it from a huddle of screaming, fighting children, only to find that someone had found it again and was currently defending their right to push it around.
Here are a bunch of toddlers from my cousins' families, including Jude.

Jude, Isaac, and Joseph at my mom's house. I can't believe I caught ALL of their faces! They had a great time together, and now are loving living so close to each other in Oregon.
Here is Jude at my friend, Stephanie's house. She has a really big and awesome backyard with this hammock swing. Jude LOVES it! And I love Stephanie and I already miss her like crazy!
I took Jude to the Chattanooga Aquarium to swim one last time. They have all these great pools and "rivers" that are perfect for toddlers to practice swimming in.
Here he is "playing a trick" on me. This is the one where he hides water in his mouth until I ask him if he has water in his mouth, and then he spits it out or lets it dribble down his chin. He seems to feel so sneaky when we play this game!
Okay, that was it for our last little bit in Chattanooga. It was hard to leave in a way, but also quite refreshing to just leave the negativity behind me. When people ask me how I like Chattanooga, I have such a mixed response, and I don't know what to say. It's beautiful and fun, but I have such a negative association with it, like that's where the very jaws of hell gaped open after me. I will say this. . . Chattanooga was the most pivotal place and time in my entire life. Now, on to the new stuff!

If this video works, it's a video of Jude painting a picture for his great Grandpa Farrer. Unfortunately, the picture found its way into the recycling bin in the rush of moving.

Vermont, Oregon

I don't have any pictures to add right now since I don't have my own computer set up yet, but I just wanted to say Jude and I were in Vermont last week, and we have made it safely to Portland, OR. I have some great pics and videos from both places. Just hang in there until I can get my computer set up! That's all!

Carl and I are Separating (get ready, this is a long one!)

I wrote this with Carl's permission. He's okay that I'm sharing this with you. Please read it with sensitivity. Thanks!

Carl and I are separating. Four and a half years ago, I married a homosexual man in the Mt. Timpanogos LDS temple. At the time, I knew he was gay, and I really didn’t see the weirdness in it. He had chosen to live in a heterosexual relationship and enjoy all the blessings and privileges of such a union. No one counseled me about it or told me the incredibly high failure rate of this type of marriage. Some people talked to Carl about how hard it would be, but no one spoke to me and gave me some cold, hard statistics. I just figured we both wanted it, so it would work.

I loved Carl so much, I mean in a romantic way. Sure enough, that love deepened to a more real, sustainable love. The thing is, the romantic part went away completely. Not because I wanted it to, but because the romance was completely one-sided (all from me!). I read Dr. Laura books about how to keep your husband happy and excited to be with you. I tried losing weight, asking how he liked my hair the best, allowing him to pick out my clothes, even wearing make up! I was just trying anything that would give me a clue as to what this guy wanted. I finally accepted, probably about 2 years into our marriage, that it wasn’t me he wanted. It wasn’t any woman he wanted!

I remember being really nervous when I felt like it was time to start a family, because I didn’t know if Carl could freely give of himself to a child when he didn’t even feel capable giving his heart to me, his wife. Carl is a very good, loving man, and he felt like since he was already in this marriage for life, he could handle any responsibility that came along with it. So, he was okay having a baby with me. So, we had one! Our beautiful little Jude was born December 28, 2008. Jude is hands down, the most wonderful, perfect thing that has come out of our marriage. If I had to go through all the struggles of feeling sexually rejected and alone again, I would absolutely do it again 10 times if it meant I could have such a beautiful gift in the end! He has blessed both of our lives immeasurably, and the scariest part about separating from Carl is I don’t know if we’ll be able to return the blessings. Jude is my number one worry in all of this mess. I keep hoping that because he is so young he won’t remember leaving his dad who he loves so much.

Family members have asked me, “So, you’ve made it this far. Why are you separating now?” I believe there have been some refining fires in our lives that have forced us to see the true nature of our relationship. Here are the fires. . .

1) January 1, 2010: My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly of a massive heart attack

2) February 15, 2010: We moved clear across the country to Chattanooga, Tennessee, where we didn’t know a soul except for each other. The influences of our family members were gone.

3) March 30, 2010: Carl told me how lonely he had been for a really long time, and that if we didn’t change our course, he didn’t think he could last another 20 years in a married relationship.

After discussing all this, we think all these things just piled up. I was grieving the loss of my dad and taking care of Jude, and was not completely emotionally available to Carl. At the same time, all of Carl’s “cheerleaders” or family members who believed he could do it were no longer around. All we had was each other, and we realized there was really nothing between us. It was like being roommates with someone, except with the expectation to be committed to each other and to pretend to be excited about it. I don’t know how to convey what this really feels like. It’s more than just a “rough spot”. If it was, it would be the longest-lasting, most continual rough spot I can imagine. Do you see the trickiness of it? Carl’s attraction to men will never, ever go away as long as he is alive. I could be the most giving, loving wife in the world, and Carl’s neurology would not respond. He will never have a natural inclination to procreate and be part of a traditional family. The proof of that is that he never has! He’s had a desire to do the right thing. This has all been out of duty, hoping to please those who are watching him. It was, of course, really hard for me to realize this as a woman who thought she had found her one true love. It was hard to realize I had never been desired, from the very beginning. The LDS church’s official position on the subject (of course, I was naïve and didn’t know this before I made covenants) is that people with same-sex attraction should NOT get married. Now I know why!

Sorry, I guess I felt like I had to defend our decision to separate. It is hard for LDS people who make and keep covenants to understand sometimes.

In all of this, I find myself incredibly sympathetic to Carl’s side of things. Can you imagine never EVER allowing yourself to even have a crush on someone because that someone happened to be the “wrong” sex? To suppress feelings as strong as romantic love your entire life. . . through PUBERTY? Oh yikes! Some people are still convinced that homosexuality is a choice. I guess it is sometimes, like maybe in the case of sex addicts who need to change things up to get the same rise, but Carl will whole-heartedly assure you he did not choose this lot in life! Why would he choose to feel damned, inferior, like he had to compensate for some “weakness” he has? Are you kidding me? I don’t care how messed up your family life was, no one would CHOOSE to be homosexual!! It is so so hard! All scientific evidence (including studies done by biology professors at BYU) strongly suggests that children are born gay or straight. It has something to do with the hormones in the womb during the second trimester of pregnancy, and it affects 5% of all pregnancies, regardless of race or culture, and even in several animal species. There are all kinds of theories out there as to why nature would select for homosexuality. One thing I am absolutely sure of is that it IS part of God’s plan. He is 100% aware of every person and animal out there with same-sex attraction and He loves them just as much as everyone else, because they are His children and He made them that way. He even loves them when they choose to enter into sexual relationships with other homosexuals. And not so secretly, I think He understands it.

The suicide rate for homosexuals is 5 times higher than for straight people. There is all kinds of self-hatred that goes on. You won’t see it in wild gay pride parades and half-clad males wearing women’s clothing. Instead it exists in their quiet moments alone, when there is painful time for reflection and wondering if it would be better to just be dead, to not have to face the choice of hurting their family members or which degree of glory they are worthy of. Carl had a great point about primary kids who might be feeling the beginnings of same-sex attraction. Our kids are taught from day 1 that they can grow up, get married in the temple, and it gives them a ticket to live in the highest degree of glory with their spouse forever, and create worlds and have children forever. Well, 5% of primary children hear that and become terrified. One in 20 children thinks they are incapable of that kind of life. Why would they strive and grit their teeth and work so hard for a reward they doubt they could actually commit to? Many of them would rather take a lower degree of glory where they could be with others who are like them. There is really no motivation for a gay person to be celibate their whole lives because, unless homosexuality is a “disease”, it cannot be changed in the next life, and they will miss out entirely on their chance for romantic love if they don’t seize the day. This is getting very doctrinal. I’m just saying, there is not much motivation for a gay person to stay single his entire life.

On my end, I read a book by Carol Lynn Pearson called “No More Goodbyes” about how to support our loved ones who face this incredible trial. What I got out of this book is that our job is to simply love. Quit judging, quit thinking we, as straight people, know what is best for gay people. Just stop thinking and love and welcome them in. If we must teach our children about same-sex couples so they understand what’s going on, then we must teach. Sorry it’s hard. Sorry they are asking questions at younger and younger ages. Some people I know are offended that anyone would try to teach about same-sex marriage in schools. I don’t know if they are worried that their children will hear about it and want to “convert” to homosexuality or what. I think that’s a ridiculous argument. Your kids are either gay or straight. They’re not going to change just because it’s brought up in school. I don’t actually know where I stand on this issue. I just know I hate that argument that your kids will suddenly want to marry someone of their same sex. It is our job to teach our children love. I don’t think we should teach our children that promiscuity is okay. Carl made the point that a lot of gay men act like animals and are extremely promiscuous, only because they are treated like animals. A lot of people in LDS culture, unfortunately, think it is okay to think of gay people as “over there” or somehow separate from us, like in a leper colony. That is wrong. We are to welcome them in, help them feel secure. They are our brothers and sisters and they live WITH us, not apart from us. If someone feels loved and secure, they will not be crazy and promiscuous, searching frantically for some inkling of real love. That means introducing yourself and your children to the gay couple next door, allowing your children to play with their children, inviting gay couples to your dinner table. Be charitable, be generous, be loving. Of course use discernment. There are gross gay people just as much as there are gross straight people. But there is no reason why good, decent people should not be welcomed into your home, black, white, yellow, gay, straight, disabled. There is WAY too much judging going on. They’re just people. Just love, just love. Sorry! That’s my soapbox.

I also want to talk about the atonement and forgiveness. When my husband told me he was afraid he wasn’t capable of sticking with this marriage, I was definitely hurt and angry. One time, I was so angry I thought I might rip his face off for treating me like this! And Jude like this! I felt so out of control I talked to one of my friends who also happens to be a social worker with good training in counseling. He told me that I would go through a whole gamut of emotions, none of them comfortable or pleasant. They are part of the grieving process, letting go of the expectations I had for my life. I wanted 4 kids (all birthed naturally, of course!) and a huge dog and a remote house in a wooded area that was little inside but had TONS of outdoor living space where we could play; And I wanted a husband who would come home hungry, not just for dinner, but for ME! I wanted someone who wanted me in every way a husband possibly can want his wife. I never had that, and maybe I never will. My friend said that when the anger or sadness comes, I need to invite it in, just feel it completely, acknowledge it, and let it go. I should not allow myself to let it linger and latch onto something inside me. This advice has been SO IMPORTANT as I try to retain my softness and my ability to give love to others. It has been a beautiful experience, letting go of the anger, knowing that Someone has already taken care of it, and then letting His love fill me to take the place of the anger. I have never felt so cradled, so looked-after, and so loved. I am full of love, and I find myself being a better mom and friend because I have so much love I just have to give it away! I was reading in Alma 34 where we are instructed to plead for mercy to replace justice in our own wrong-doings. When I read it recently, though, I realized we have to plead for mercy to fill our hearts, so we will not hope that others get what’s coming to them. It’s hard to explain, but I just know that when I read it, I wanted to be like Christ, and have mercy on Carl instead of praying that justice would be served. To my surprise, I have forgiven Carl (and taken responsibility for my own part in all of this), but we are separating because I can’t trust Carl to never find a relationship outside our marriage. I can’t trust him to remain faithful since he has such strong feelings of same-sex attraction, and since he has been lonely for so long. He also is worried about this, probably more than I am. And that’s it. I love Carl, and he will always be welcome in my home. And if he ever finds a mature, stable, permanent partner, he will also be welcome in my home (though I have made it clear I won’t have the “18-year-old boyfriend of the month” situation coming into my house!). I am at peace, and I can only say it is because of the atonement of Jesus Christ. It is so so beautiful, and truly passeth my understanding.

Some Recent Goings On

Here are some pictures you might enjoy. These were taken over the last month or so. We've actually done a lot of fun things in the outdoors, but we never remember to bring our camera (in true estilo Barlow). For example, we recently took a canoe out on the Lookout Creek where we saw a huge blue heron flying off the water and 5 slider turtles follow each other off a log and into the water. . . plop, plop, plop, plop, plop! Anyway, here are a bunch of boring pictures just inside our apartment.

Jude is learning table manners

And he is becoming an artist!

An artist who uses his potty!

We got that little pink chair from the family who sold us their van. Jude seems to feel very special that he has his own little chair just his size.

This is the only picture I have of Jude on Easter 2010. I took him to the huge Baptist Easter egg hunt at Coolidge Park. It was so big, I couldn't figure out where to take Jude for the "under 2 years" section, so we didn't get any eggs. We did, however, take advantage of the Baptists' free donuts.

We went to a water garden store (where Carl was in Heaven!), and this is Jude pointing to the Koi fish he likes the most. He would still rather point at something than touch it.

Except in this case. He loves fountains. I think he got that from his Grandpa Farrer.

Some cute smiles Jude gave me on our porch right before he smashed his face into a bloody pulp.

I took Jude to the zoo, and was excited to see him play with the animals in the petting zoo. True to his nature though, he would rather point at the animals than touch them.

One more reason why homeschooling is advantageous. If you need to catch up on a subject, you can do it on the toilet and it counts as classroom time. This is a common scene in our house. Whenever Jude sits on the potty, we read him a story. He has learned a lot of important things while sitting on that potty. We ask him to "point to the ________ fill in the blank", and he totally does it. He has learned what an owl, a butterfly, a gnarled branch, and countless other things look like because of our potty-school method.

A Truly Remarkable Experience

Well, Carl and I have joined a gym. It is akin to 24 Hour Fitness out west, but it is called The Rush.

Everything there is really nice. .. except one thing. . . Patti. We decided to try out a Zumba class together last week. In case you have never heard of Zumba, it is basically a really high-energy Latin dance aerobic class. I tried this class out when we were in Utah, and I thought it was really fun. They turned the lights almost off, and they played all kinds of exciting Latin music, and no one could really see how uncoordinated I was, even though the room was PACKED with people. It was a fun class and I got really sweaty and raved and raved about it to Carl until he finally agreed to come with me to this class at The Rush.

Here are the things that were different about this class at The Rush. . .

1) Carl was THE ONLY male (which seems to be common in exercise classes here)

2) There were only 6 of us total.

3) The music was really quiet, and I could hear myself breathing.

4) The instructor, Patti, came in, and I thought she was a student.

5)Patti was AT LEAST 65 years old, about 20 pounds overweight, and REEKED of cigarette smoke. She had a smoker's cough as well. She wrapped a scarf with little chimes all over it around her hips. I was amazed by the smallness of her range of motion. If she were not an aerobics instructor, I would mistake her for a greeter at Wal-Mart. Needless to say, our heart rates never went above 70 bpm.

6) Pattie would say things like, "Now, you can try to get lower and touch the floor on this one, but it makes it real hard to get back up, so I'm just gonna stay up here." Also, she kept drawing attention to the fact that Carl was the only male, and it started to sound like she was mocking him. At one point she said, "Come on boyfriend! Flip that skirt!" She would draw attention to each of us individually and say, to the group, what we were doing that was not to her liking.

7) When it was over, we were glad.


This experience made me very grateful for my own ability to improve. If I take this experience to heart, perhaps I will not end up a burnt-out, low-energy "aerobics" instructor at age 65.

To show the beauty of self-improvement and development, I have included a video of Jude taking some of his first steps of his own volition. I give you self-motivation!

Chattanooga Chatter

Well, we've been here for quite a little while now. . .not quite a month, I guess. Here's what has happened. . .
1) Jude got herpes in and around his mouth and also we thought he had a cracked tooth from falling on his mouth. Amidst his crying and whining, we brought him to a pediatric dentist who looked in his mouth and freaked out about the herpes and finally got around to telling us his tooth was fine. He also "diagnosed" Jude's snaggle tooth as a "geminated" tooth, and it is very possible he will only have 3 incisors instead of 4 on his bottom jaw. Then he promptly sent us to a pediatrician for the herpes. As I anticipated, the pediatrician didn't think it was a very big deal (and frankly, neither did we) and didn't give us any medication or anything for the herpes. This pediatrician is my kind of doctor. .. low intervention. . . let the body take care of it. . . why did you even bring him in? They cleared up on their own in less than a week.

2) I had a fever for 5 days straight, got tested for strep and flu and was negative on both. I waited it out, took an amazing amount of garlic, and got better. All's I can say is, I am SO GRATEFUL to have a healthy family again! I cannot believe how much sickness disrupts our lives and stresses every fiber in our family! Forget World War III, just give everyone a 5-day fever and whoever's left standing wins!

3) Visited and bought memberships to the aquarium, the Chattanooga Nature Center, and the children's museum. . . already the best investments we've ever made.

4) Bought a really really wonderful washing machine and dryer. . . the first ones we have ever owned, and the first ones we've ever had IN our house with us! I am SO HAPPY about these purchases!!

5) Carl and I both applied at Maxim Health Care (a nursing agency) and we're pretty sure we got hired. We find out on Thursday or Friday. Mostly we just had to take these tests and get 80% on them. Also, even though our Utah nursing licenses are under interstate compact, and TN is also a compact state, they are insisting that we get TN nursing licenses. This means, we don't have to be any more competent than we already are, don't have to prove ourselves to anyone or take any tests or anything. Do you know what we have to do?? Pay, in total, $400.00 to the state of TN, and then they'll let us practice here. Isn't that RIDICULOUS?? It bugs me SOOOOOO much!

6) Registered our car here and now we have an official Tennessee license plate.

7) A big thing here is cupcake shops. The cupcakes themselves kind of gag you because they are a very small portion of cake topped with about a pound of frosting, but they are SO CUTE!! There is one cupcake shop in particular, called Gigi's Cupcakes http://www.gigiscupcakesusa.com/cupcakes.aspx, that I BEG Carl to go to mostly so I can look at all those cute cupcakes lined up, glistening with sugar and little delectable toppers.
We have eaten Gigi's cupcakes a total of 3 times since we've been here. Every time we say to each other, "That really wasn't worth $3." But the cuteness just compels me to go back!

8) Most importantly, in one month, we have eaten at Waffle House a total of 3 times! That is A LOT for us! Carl highly recommends the "build your own omelet" menu item. I highly recommend main-lining sugar as an equal and less expensive alternative to eating a waffle at Waffle House.

9) Jude is WALKING!! Well, the longest stretch he's done is about 10 steps, walking from one of us to the other. I have tried so hard to get our videos to upload and I can never do it. We have 2 really good videos, but they're just not uploading. I'll work on it. He also says "Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot" many times in succession and opens and closes his hands at the same time. He usually does this when we're about to feed him something we just took out of the microwave or cooked. He also does it when he touches the ice cubes in the freezer, and sometimes when he sees a dog. For these reasons, I don't think he totally knows what it means. He also blows on his food if we tell him it's hot. That is sooooo cute!

Just one last observation. . . things are expensive here. Food is RIDICULOUSLY expensive! We pay $3.50 for a gallon of milk, that's the cheap brand. No wonder many Tennesseans struggle with their weight! You have to mortgage your house to buy vegetables, and the cheap food is fast food. I am feeling discouraged about feeding my family good, clean, whole food because it is just SO expensive. The cost of one green bell pepper: $1.89. One avocado: $1.70. Everything is double what we payed in Utah. It's not even good quality. Carl one day came up with a very accurate and, of course, funny quote: "Sav-A-Lot: marginal quality at a premium price." It is TRUE. I am so embarrassed about this, but I have been shopping at Wal-Mart here because you really can't afford anything else. Even at Wal-Mart the milk is $3.30. The only person I know who hates Wal-Mart more than I do is Jude. He cries instantly when we walk in the door and doesn't stop until we leave. So, groceries are really expensive. Registering your car, on the other hand, only costs $35. That was a pleasant surprise.

Carl came up with another great slogan, since we've been looking for another car. He was thinking it would be great if there was a really bare-bones car company. It would produce cars with no bells and whistles at all. The slogan would be "(Fill in name of car company): Finally, a viable option for your driving needs." Well, you have to imagine Carl saying it, and then it's really funny.

Well, that's really all I have to say. Have a fun day!